I’m midwife-hunting.

Yeah, it’s pretty much time for me to get back on that horse, at least now that I know what I don’t want.  So, in the interest of getting things straight for myself, I put together a little Mary Poppins Letter to the Universe.

Oh, and if you’re a big fan of medical/hospital birth, this whole thing may strike you as really weird.

MY MIDWIFE: A FANTASY BY THE RETIRED WAIF

1- You’re a medical professional. Primarily, that’s how I’m going to deal with you. I’m hiring you for your expertise. This means that I want to know you’re in my house with oxygen, blood-clotting drugs, etc. I’m not particularly scared of something going wrong in the birth, but I don’t want to have to go to the hospital for a shot of pitocin for the third stage if I need it, I’d rather get it in my own bed. This is an example of the sort of reason for which I am hiring you. I’d also like someone there with the medical knowledge to tell me if a hospital transfer is necessary. I may have a doula, I’m choosing her based on her ability to support me in labor. I’m choosing you based on your expertise in knowing when there’s a problem and knowing what to do about it. If there’s no problem, then just relax.

2.- I am not hiring you to coach my labor or “deliver” my baby. If you have “protocols” about how often you’ll want to put your fingers in me or check the baby’s heart rate for your own peace of mind, move on. I have my own doppler  and will check for myself. I probably will not want you in the room. I may not want my own husband in the room. I have lots of different kinds of herbal tea and I’ll get bagels; you can have breakfast at my kitchen table and catch up on your reading. You’re only here in case something goes wrong.

3.- I’m sure you’re a lovely person, but I have enough friends. I don’t want to share mystical female energies. I don’t want to bond with you over the course of my pregnancy. I don’t want to “get to know each other as women.” No no no no no no no. The moment our relationship becomes a social one, it becomes a MAJOR source of stress for me. “Social mode” literally exhausts me for DAYS, I cannot go into it for your benefit at prenatal visits or, God forbid, in labor. I am not social. Does this mean I deserve a homebirth less than the woman who wants to cuddle and chat with you? Are you going to tell me that my “energy” feels wrong to you? Move on.

4.- I have other doctors that I deal with. I have a GYN, an internist, a neurologist, a neuro-psychiatrist, and most recently an orthopedist. None of them are telling me how to deliver my baby. They wouldn’t dream of stepping on your toes. Please do not tell me how they should be doing their jobs. Assume that I have heard of homeopathy, holistic medicine, and nutritional and herbal options. If you feel like you have to mention them, do it briefly. Once.

5.- I say things that might considered inappropriate. Maybe it’s the way I was brought up; my sister does it too. If we’re at a prenatal visit and I cheerfully ask you a question that begins “Okay, so if the baby’s born dead…” don’t gasp. You’re a midwife. You’ve heard of babies being born dead. Don’t say “Oh, honey, you don’t need to worry about that and make yourself upset.” Do I look upset? My question is a practical one. Do what my husband does and laugh. It’s funny when I come out with morbid non sequiturs. You can laugh.

I think that’s the main list. Does this midwife exist? Someone who believes in the Secret, please, manifest this shit for me!  Make it real!